So when I look back at my life over the past 23 years, I see a trend. I tend to have friends, and a good amount of friends, but for some reason I have been seeking for “best friend/s” for years and have never been able to find someone that calls me their best friend as I call them mine. I also have close friends who don’t consider me friends, and being here in NY and far away from friends and family is so hard. I’ve tried my hardest and I’ve tried to make friends, yet I still only have acquaintances. I have try to make friends, and close friends, yet for some reason those that I consider to be close friends are still only kind of my friend. It’s so heartbreaking to me…it’s so frustrating that I am constantly getting attached, and trying so hard to make these friendships work, yet I feel like these so called friends don’t make the same effort, or any effort to try and be a friend. They are never there, they aren’t ever concerned with my well being, and I’m the one that always is trying to make the effort to hang out. For some reason I ALSO am the one that has the interest in keeping our friendship, and I never become friends with those who reciprocate those feelings of friendship. I’m so sick and tired of building up my hopes for these friendships, and being let down every time.
Friendship…
Always an option
The main reason is, as the saying goes, I always feel like an option to people and never a priority. I never feel and have never felt special to anyone, it always feels as if nobody cares. Like I’m always the ‘safe option’ and the person that’s ‘always there’ and not good enough for anything more. It’s probably that I’m too nice to people and I let them walk over me but it’s not in my nature to not be nice, it’s just me. I know I have my family who are there for me, but it just sucks that friends never see me as anything more than an option that they can cancel on all the time and hang out with only when they are at their best.
